A sense of dread

I have sent in over 50 applications for this job market cycle. I still have at least 20 more to go. But with every day that passes, there’s a little voice in the back of my head that grows a little louder.

There are no jobs. You won’t be getting any calls this year.

I was lucky last year, in that I got calls (even if they didn’t turn into offers). And maybe it’s an act of self-preservation that I keep telling myself there will be no calls this year. But I feel it, deep in my gut. Last year I was hopeful. I was anxious, but my whole life was ahead of me. This year I feel defeated and I don’t want to be reduced to begging.

The anxiety is making it impossible for me to get my day-to-day work done. Regardless of whether I get calls or not, I have two classes to teach twice a week. But I can’t sit still long enough, can’t focus long enough, to pull together slides or create an in-class assignment. So I have to stuff the anxiety deep down and keep going, though the quality of my work is in steady decline.

A watched pot never boils. And I suppose a watched phone never rings.

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Post-dissertation stress disorder

When is the last time I blogged? I don’t know, a few weeks ago at least. And I could come up with excuses for why it hasn’t happen…

I have been really busy!

Turns out this teaching two classes a semester thing is hard. Continuing to adapt to teaching two classes a semester, rather than one.

And applying for jobs sucks. I’ll be working on one application and by the time I hit “submit” ¬†ads for three more jobs popped up (I know, this is furthest from a problem when you’re on the academic job market – I should be thankful there are any jobs! And I am, but going through each school’s application system takes more time than you’d think.)

I have an R&R and my co-authors want to get it turned around quickly. I’m essentially in charge of beefing up our theory section, so I’ve been diving back into the literature.

And the list goes on…

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Expect nothing.

I finally revised my teaching and research statements for the job market this year. For all the complaining I did about it, it wasn’t that bad. Mainly because I kept 90% of what I had last year.

On Tuesday I reviewed them with one of my advisors. I have learned to expect nothing from these meetings. Do not expect praise or recognition for your hard work. Do not expect useful advice. Expect nothing, and then, if for some strange reason, I get something, I am pleasantly surprised.

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A scary thought

I had a much more intelligent post planned for today, but that got derailed by the Senate healthcare vote. And then I got an email from the placement director in my department:

It’s time to schedule a practice job talk!

Noooooo. My stomach immediately knotted up. I could feel the anger rising up inside me. I feel like I just finished with last year’s job market. Is it really starting again?

No, I won’t do it. I didn’t do it last year. [Yeah, and how did that go for you? You don’t have a job.] They can’t make me. I have classes to teach. I can use that as an excuse. I don’t have time for this bullshit.

They want me to give a job talk that I will never give. They want a job talk for a big, research school. The kind of job talk they want to see. I am never going to get a job at a big R1. I never want to. I don’t want to do that job talk. I went on two fly outs last year, and no one asked me to do the traditional job talk. I’m not doing it this year.

And then, a crazy thought, one that hasn’t been in my head for a long, long time, came up:

Self-harm. I could self-harm to make this anxiety and frustration go away.

And having that thought is scary. Because what am I doing if the thought of preparing for an interview makes me want to self-harm? How can I go into academia if it makes me want to hurt myself?

I didn’t hurt myself, by the way. I texted the appropriate friends to receive support, and then I wrote this post. But having such a strong visceral reaction to something that is a pain in the ass but really not that difficult? That’s kinda scary.

 

“You don’t use the right words.”

So, setting aside my disaster of a research statement for now (though I did make a list of all my current and future projects, so that counts for something, right?), I also have to re-write my teaching philosophy. This one is easier, in the sense that I actually like teaching, so I don’t feel like I’m bullshitting my way through it. There’s one problem when it comes to teaching though.

I don’t use the right words.

Or, so my advisor says. She sat down with me several weeks ago and talked with me about my teaching prior to observing one lesson of my summer class. She asked me a bunch of questions about how I put together the syllabus, how I structure the lessons, and how I keep the students engaged. She observed me teaching and wrote up a report to keep in my personnel file, essentially testifying to my competency. We even had a “debriefing” session after she had written the report. And in that meeting she told me I did a “bang up” job in the classroom, but (there’s always a but)…

I don’t use the right words to talk about teaching.

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Research statements: an existential crisis

Last year, I applied to about 40 schools. I had 3 fly outs. I had 5 more Skype/phone interviews, and 2 APSA interviews. By the end of it all, I had 0 offers.

I need to start applying for this year’s positions. Already, my spreadsheet has 17 schools listed. That’s 17 cover letters, tweaked slightly to show that I really do care about X College/University. That’s 17 times I need to upload some combination of my research and teaching statements, my transcripts, my teaching evaluations and syllabi, and my writing samples. That’s 17 times my letter writer needs to pay enough attention to his/her email to provide a recommendation. And it’s only going to get worse.

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